Questioning Love...

What is love? Why do we try so hard to get it and then reject it when we have it? Is that something only I do? Are there other people out there that do this? How much love to you give without receiving before you stop giving? Didn't God say to always give love because He is love? How do you know you've found the one? What if you think they're the one but they don't think they are? Does doubting your love for someone mean something? Why do I stay awake thinking silly thoughts like this when I should be sleeping? 

Macedonia

Well, the next out of country experience has been planned. Macedonia here I come. A group from the BCM is heading there for Spring Break. I can't wait! I don't know what I'm going to do once I graduate from College. Who will I go with then? Anyway, please be in prayer for the city we'll be traveling too, the people we will be working with, and the group we are bringing. A covering of prayer is the best support you could ever give!

~Stella

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving, thanksgiving, thanksgiving....... a time to give thanks for all of God's blessings. I have much to be thankful for but I must admit I'm more blue than thankful. I just can't get in the holiday spirit, thanksgiving or otherwise. I'm not depressed or anything just sadden by the people that aren't here that I want here. On the up side I got to meet Matt's family yesterday, both sides. It was nice to finally put faces to all the names! 

Sitting at Papa Duvall's is probably where all this thinking started. He was talking to us about his wife. And is was the single most real moment I've seen in a while. If only you could have seen his eyes full of emotion. In that moment I started thinking about my grandmothers and how neither of them are here, and as much as I tried it all just snowballed from there. I'm doing a little better today. I know I'll be fine, just needed to express myself.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving holiday! Love to you all!

~Stella

Ok now that the dust has settled....

Sorry for the blocking of my blog for a time. It was something that had to be done. With God's help and guidance life is returning to normal. Peace. Peace in my life is what I needed and it's what God has provided.

I've been wondering lately if I'll ever settle down. I used to think that that's what I wanted more than anything, but now I'm not so sure. I'm such a restless person. I'm ready to move out of Alabama, and at the same time I don't want to leave. I hate staying in one place for too long. I need a change of scenery. I definitely need a new job. One thing I love about costuming is the fact that your job (although on the surface is the same) changes everyday.

I miss Willamstown a lot these days. I should have gone again this summer. I miss having a Thai and Sushi place within walking distance. I miss the quiet. It's so peaceful there. I'm sure it's not quiet when school's in session. I looked at transferring there the other day. Then I felt bad. I don't want to leave Jacksonville as much as I think I do. There's too much that I would miss. I would miss being just two hours away from my family, living with Valerie, being close to Matt, making pancakes every semester with Gary at the BCM, and the drama department; just to name a few.

I thought about how much I missed this silly little town while I was in Wales. I tried not to get attached to this place but it happened all the same. I've grown up a lot here. Tuscaloosa was the worst two years of my life. I was my worst when I was there. I didn't care about anything or anybody but myself. I ignored God and acted like He wasn't there. Then I came to Jacksonville and all that changed. God taught me first how to love myself and get rid of the false humility in my life. That took some time. Then He took me out into the world and showed me other countries. He opened my eyes to the way others in the world live day to day and how they worshiped Him daily. He showed me how to have compassion and show mercy to those people less fortunate than myself. He showed me how to see people thru His eyes. To see the person they could be if they would just turn to Him fully. Let me tell you, people look a lot different in that view.

At times it's frustrating to deal with people who aren't where you are spiritually. Their outlook on life is so different. They only focus on the here and now instead of the hereafter. Nothing on this earth matters more than your relationship with God. Nothing. He's taught me recently how to handle untruths said about you. Jesus had the same problem. He didn't have to defend himself because He was blameless. God's taught me that it isn't necessary to defend yourself if you are living your life right. It matters not what others say, it only matters what God says about your life. Jesus is the One you should be comparing yourself to not others.

He's also been showing me some areas that I need to work on. Patience is a big one. I'm in to big of a hurry these days. I have to slow down and wait for His calling. He's challenging how I view Him, and how I live my life. I've taken my eyes off Him and because of that I was almost swallowed by the crashing waves (or the world). God amazes me with His grace everyday. "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound. Amazing grace now flowing down."

God, hold me close. Let me know that You are here. Don't give up on Your child. I'm trying to learn Your ways for they are greater than my own. Teach me. Use me. Love me. Guide me. I'm listening........

~Stella

Next??

As if I'm not getting attacked enough in my life right now. Now I have random people attacking me through my Honesty Box on Facebook. I guess in asking people to be honest with you they find that attacking is easier than saying the truth in love. All this craziness is enough to make any sane person go crazy. Fortunately have God to see me through this. He's always been my rock and will always be my rock.

God, I ask for Your guidance. What do I do with all of this?

~Stella

Life nearing 30....

I'm turning 29 this year. I can't believe I've been on this earth that long. God has (and still is) taken me through a lot of things. This past year has been amazing! I never could have guessed I'd be where I am today. I have so many real friends that support me in everything I do. They're always watching my back, and helping me up when I fall. I couldn't ask for anything more. I do miss seeing Josh and Marcedric like I used to, but God's keeping us connected!

I'll hopefully be returning to full time status this fall, but who knows. I will be taking at least one drama class. And I can't wait to work on shows again this year! I've missed the "shop" something fierce. No more kidding myself, I need all the experience I can get.

Me and Matt are doing great! We are so much alike it's scary sometimes. Don't know what we're going to do once he graduates in May, but we'll see where God takes our relationship.

I'm still looking for a new job. I'm tired of the pizza biz. Customers take their pizzas way to serious for me. It's just food people, not the last food on the planet! Being assistant manager has just really worn me down. Which tells me this is not my career (I knew that already though). God has plans for me once I get out in the mainstream of costuming. I can't wait, it's going to be awesome!

For now I'll leave you and ask you to pray for me and my family. We've been taking hits from all sides these days. Somehow with God's help we've all managed to stay positive, but keep praying! Love you all!

~Stella

Revelations:

I don’t know about you but I love getting revelations from God. They are one of the coolest things that happen to me. Some of the best ones, to me, are the ones that come from something you’ve heard over and over and one day that just hit you like never before. The story you’ve been told a thousand times just sneaks up and blows you away with new angles.

One of my favorites was the day that the parable of the mustard seed hit me. You know people can tell you things a million times but you won’t really get it until the day comes when you fully understand it. I was driving to my parents house one afternoon when the mustard seed parable hit me. I had stopped by the local Christian bookstore and bought a few things. Among my items I had purchased a little gold cross with a seed where the two beams came together. On the cardboard it was attached to was the parable about the mustard seed. The small seed on this cross was a mustard seed. I had never seen one before that day. Well, I did a dangerous thing I read the parable on the card while driving, and I started laughing to myself about how small this seed actually was. (At the time this happened I was struggling in my faith and wasn’t sure if I “had enough faith to count.”)

The parable says that if we but have faith the size of a mustard seed we can move mountains. Even in my lowest state (I told myself) I surely have faith the size of that tiny seed. And that’s when God just started laying it all on me. God spoke to me about that seed and my faith all the way to Dadeville. That was 2 hours of some quality God and Stella time.

When I went to Massachusetts to work at a theatre one summer God hit me with another one. This one was not so much about me and my faith as it was just a veil being removed. While at this theatre I work in the costume shop as a stitcher. Almost every night after work everyone in the shop would go into town to a little bar called The Red Herring. I was not allowed to drink that summer not because of age but because of a commitment I signed as a BCM council member. Nevertheless I would go and hang out with my co-workers.

Well one night after we were done for the day everyone decided to take a nap before going out that night. I went back to my dorm room for some sleep when the urge to read my Bible overtook me. I felt led to read Revelation. (I’ve never before or since felt led to read that book.) I was surprised when I started reading the book, because all that I was reading was making sense like never before. Before when I would try to read Revelation it was just me reading words on a page with no comprehension whatsoever. I was half way thru Revelation when there was a knock on my door. It was one of my co-workers coming to wake me up to go to the Herring. I put down my Bible, got dressed quickly, and walked with Meghan to the bar. On the way there she asks me if I was ok because I had a strange look on my face. I told her about reading Revelation and it making sense and that I was in a state of shock because of the clarity in which I had been reading it. She like I was amazed. We got to the bar and sat down with our co-workers. A few of them asked me if I was ok, and before I could answer Meghan told them what I had told her. Some understood. Others just “looked past it.” After about ten minutes or so I excused myself from the table, telling them that I just had to go back and finish the book. It was the best decision of the summer. God just continued to open up Revelation to me. It was a great night with God!

~Stella

Missions....

Some people have the misconception that missions mean you have to leave the country to tell people about Jesus. Missions is simply going forth and telling people. Jesus didn’t command us to leave the country. He told us that while we are going we are to spread the good news. That means that you are suppose to be telling people you come into contact with everyday. And I don’t know about you but even I don’t come in contact with a foreign country everyday. The closest thing to that would be running into someone from a different country, and that doesn’t happen everyday either.

We are suppose to be telling people here, there, and everywhere that we presently are. Yes, some people are called to leave this country and go out and tell people in a different country. Some people are called to just leave their particular state and tell people. Some people are called to just stay in their own city and tell people. What binds all of us together is that we are all called to tell people the good news.

I know that fear is a hindrance for some, but that’s not a valid argument for the simple fact that fear doesn’t come from the Lord. We are told that in the Bible. Fear is Satan trying to hinder you from doing what it is that God has told you to do. So when fear creeps up on you, call out to God and He will reassure you.

I have been told by some that they don’t feel equipped or qualified to do missions. Well, my campus minister said it best when he said, “ God doesn’t call the qualified. God qualifies the called.” What is it exactly that you think you have to know? Do you think that you must know everything there is to know about God before you go? If that was the case nobody would ever go tell the good news. Because we will never know everything there is to know about God till heaven. And people, once we get to heaven we can’t tell nobody, still on earth, anything. If you have Jesus in your heart and God in your life, guess what you’re fully qualified to share the good news.

In my time here on this planet one thing I’ve learned is that with God in your life you can hear His message even from the worst speakers. When looking around for a church to go to I discovered that even some one not living their life the way they should bringing the message, God still reaches His people. God whispers something to me in every message I hear. It has stemmed from one sentence in a sermon before. I was sitting in a church trying my best to understand what this preacher was saying and God said grab onto that last sentence and let Me tell you what I want you to know. I didn’t hear the rest of the sermon because God was revealing things to me thru just one sentence from that preacher. From that day on, I knew that I could go to any church I wanted to, because God was going to make sure that I got what He wanted me to out of the message.

Having said that I will say that I would not become a member of a church that I didn’t feel led to join. Of course that’s neither here nor there when talking about missions per say. But a church that isn’t missions minded is not a church I would ever want to be a part of, unless told by God to join. Missions are the walking to all the talking we as Christians do. I’m big on doing what you talk about. If you’re always saying one thing you shouldn’t do the opposite. That would mean you don’t really believe what it is you’re telling people (backsliding aside, for I know we all do it from time to time because we are not perfect).

Analysts at 2am

I find that some of my best analysts on life come at 2am. It’s now 2:31am and here is what’s on my mind. I need to learn how to share what’s on my mind better. The biggest thing I have to do is learn how to share my thoughts when I have them and not wait till they build up. When they build up and finally come out, they never come out right. They get all jumbled up and come out all mixed up and nobody understands where I’m coming from.

I was told once by a prophet that I see and know a lot more than I share. I told that man that he was very right. After talking to someone for a while, I can see their “two sides” (as I’ll call it). I can see the kind of warrior for Christ they could be, if they were to choose that path. And I can the flesh person that they are/will be if they choose the worldly path. It has been known to be a very creepy thing at times. When you meet someone for the first time and you can feel the evil in/around their life it’s kind of creepy. I have met some people that are as nice a person as you’d ever want to meet, but been turned off by them because of the evil present in their life.

I never knew what to do with that kind of revelation until here lately. When people ask me what I think, I have to ask God’s permission before divulging that kind of information.

Speaking the truth in love is hard to do sometimes. I used to avoid it all together, but God’s showing me when and where to speak truth into other people’s lives. He also tells me when I need to take my own advice. Which is funny to me when that happens because the advice I give comes from God in the first place, but He doesn’t say take His advice, He tells me to take my advice. What can I say, God knows me to well.

God’s wisdom is complete. He knows that sometimes we like to think something was our own idea, when in fact it was His idea. Of course when we figure that out we should totally turn around and give the glory and thanks to God.

I think or rather I know that I would be completely content just to sit around and do nothing but learn about God all day. That’s always been a plus to doing mission work. The entire time I’m on the field I’m learning about God. That want to know more about Him and be closer to Him always puts seminary in my mind. I just don’t know if that’s something that is as fun and fascinating as I hope it would be. Me and schooling have never really gotten along unless it’s been hands on. This is sad at times, because I’m sure there are things out there that I need to know, but I just can’t sit in a class and listen all day. It bores me to tears.

High School was a perfect example of that. In my last two years at DHS I went to the trade school. That school was made for students like me. It’s 10% lecture and 90% hands on application. So needless to say I had almost a 100 average in my Modern Tech Electronics class while back at DHS I was barely passing my applied physics class. And for those of you who don’t know, those two classes are almost interchangeable at times (so I should have had an A in both).

The mission field is like a hands-on application of Sunday school when you really think about it. Sunday school is the lecture part, and going on mission is the application part. And that’s how everyone should know that missions is for them (here or abroad). Sunday school and sermons get you knowledgeable about the field and the act of going, but it’s not until you actually apply what you know that it takes root in your life. With out ever knowing what it’s like on the field all you can do is imagine. You can’t fully understand until you’ve been there yourself.

And yes, everyone’s experience on the field is different, but it’s still an up-close encounter with God, and NOTHING can compare to that wonderment. Nothing on this planet can get you to that feeling. It’s something that can only be experienced in person. And man, it is so worth it!

Seeking

God, show me what's next. Where do I go from here? What would you have me do? I can't hear you like I used to. I know that's my fault for not listening like I should. Draw me close to You.

~Stella

New Experience

So, Friday night was a first for me. For those of you who don't know I work at Papa John's Pizza. Well Friday night we were robbed. Not a delivery driver; the store. Me, Matt, Chase, and Jesse were all there. I was made to open everything for them. And while I was doing that one of the robbers pointed at Matt and said, "If he moves, kill him." (Cause that'll make me move faster.) I don't know if any of you have ever been through a robbery, but when someone tells you to do one thing and then says they're going to kill your boyfriend, you get a little nervous, a little shaky, and you tend to forget what key to use. I was calm as can be until they said that.

It was a little on the ridiculous side as well. I'm a weird person cause I actually found a lot of humor in the situation. After talking with Chase tonight I wasn't the only one that had a little laugh at the situation. One of the guys actually thought he could throw a container of rolled coins into a trash bag that was meant to only hold paper. You know the ones, most places use them in their offices. So when he threw them in there the money spilled all over the floor and some of it fell on Chase. Who until tonight wasn't sure what the guy put on his back. So we had a good laugh at that.

Anyway the night of was a pretty stressful night for all of us that were there. I had to have Chase taken to the hospital to get checked out, and Jesse had a headache from being hit on the back of the head. I was shaken up after it was all over, and Matt was just really mad. We were all scared at one point or another. Something like this can really mess with your head to say the least. I was very thankful that no one was seriously injured.

I wish I could say that's where my and Matt's night ended, but I'd be lying. We got to have another fun incident where I wanted to call the police, but he didn't want to. I won't go into it because it's been handled. hopefully once and for all.

For now life is great. I couldn't ask for a better family, better friends, or for a better man's love. I'm a very fortunate individual, and I thank God for everything. The good and the bad. Cause the good is good and the bad teaches you how to handle bad situations later. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I love you all!

~Stella

Life and Love at 2 am.....

I don't understand why in my life the only way I can feel loved is by touch. Why is that? Someone saying they love me is one thing, but a hug means a thousand times more and feels a thousand times better. I've heard that everyone has different love languages but most people have two or three. I'm finding that mine is just physical touch. Gifts are nice, but not necessary. Time is good, but not fulfilling enough without touch. Words can be beautifully put together, but empty without actions that match the words.

It's funny to me that physical touch would be my love language when I love God so completly and yet I've never actually touched God. Or is that my answer? I need the physical touch so much because I can't actually touch and feel God physically. I can feel God's love all around me and yet I can't hug God. There are so many times that I wish I could just wrap my arms around God's neck, but I can't yet. Is that were this deep rooted desired to be held comes from? Here on earth I can sit for hours wrapped in a loved one's arms and I get such a sense of completion it's almost crazy. I adore being held. I feel secure and loved when I'm held. I hate it when hugs are over, because that feeling goes away.

Does that mean that I'm really an insecure person? I don't think I am. I'm pretty confident these days, which is a change from the old days. There are times when I think about leaving all of this (my life) behind and going to live on the mission field. Then I think about all I'd be giving up, and that tells me I am not ready for that. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that. The desire not to walk alone in this world is to strong for me to believe that God wants me on the field full time (At least not far away, doing missions full time anyway.). For now here is to be my mission field. There is much for God to teach me and much for me to learn from Him and others that He has sent into my life.

And these are the things that run through my mind at 2am when I can't sleep. Welcome to my world. Fill free to comment on this or any other post of mine. We're here to learn from each other, so start sharing your thoughts with me.

~Stella

***Hug a friend today! You never know how much they might really need it!***

Home again, home again.

I'm back from my holiday in Wales. It went nothing like expected, and I had a great time. The only regret was not getting to the wedding, but when there's no money: there's no money. I've seen pictures from the wedding and it was a beautiful one. Ruth designed her own wedding dress (a woman who could do my job!) and it was the prettiest wedding dress I've seen. *Ruth you may be getting a phone call one day to help me with some movie/theatre projects!*

I spent the week realizing how much I fell in love with Cardiff when I was there the first time. I love the people, the atmosphere, and the rythm of the country of Wales. It was a very relaxing trip and that's just what the doctor order. I felt so free from all the stress that had been building up in my life. Now that I'm back I'm still stress free, and with God's help I'll stay that way. I did miss Matt terribly which made me feel like an uber girl, but that's ok cause I am a girl.

I truly have a travelers heart. I love to see new places and meet new people. I get bored with the same ole same ole, so it's good for me to get out of my comfort zone once in a while. Next time I will have to take someone with me though just so I can share my adventures with them. I do love a good adventure, and life is full of them. I can't wait for my next one!

Thanks to Auntie Missle for taking me and picking me up at the airport! Your help and love is very much appreciated!

Until next time find you an adventure and do it!

~Stella

'ello again Wales!

So, after waiting at the airport for a bit Karen showed up to welcome me back into the UK. It's been two years since I've been here. Karen and I caught up over a cup of americano coffee from Costa's in the airport. After about two and a half hours of catching up, Karen had to head to her parents house and I began to figure out what on earth I was going to do. Since plans to hang out with Robert for the first few days were shot, I was left with no plans till Friday. That includes me not knowing where I was going to sleep or how I was going to get to Cardiff.

I looked around a bit at the airport and cried a little when I went to exchange some of my money. What's the going rate you ask? Why it cost $2.20 for £1. In other words I really wish I had a credit card, but oh well, we'll leave it in God's hands. I bought a train ticket to Cardiff that day and the return ticket for the 31st. That was £58. Not money I really wanted to spend but I wasn't going to stay at the airport all week.

I had to wait an hour in the airport before the train left for Cardiff. Once I finally arrived in Cardiff I walked around for an hour or so, just remembering the fun times that I had the last time I was here in Wales. It was honestly the best and worst three months of my life. God did so much in such a short time. But if you want the details on that then you'll have to look at my past entries! LOL

After walking around and figuring out that I had no where near the money to stay at a proper hotel, I begin searching for the purple hostel I had seen several times before when I was here two years ago. I found it. It cost a whopping £17.50 a night. (You can stay a week for £42.) It's a really nice place. They have very comfortable bunk beds (makes me feel like a kid at camp!), a full kitchen, pool table, bar, computers with Internet (£1 an hour), and DVDs to watch in the lounge. It's been a learning experience. I've never stayed in a hostel before, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I got checked in, when back down stairs and ate my 'real' fish n chips, and then went to sleep for over 12 hours. No jet lag for me thanks! I got up today and checked out (cause I thought I'd run into people I knew and I'd stay with them), and asked if I could use the Internet before I left the building. They told me that would be fine, so I did for two hours. I wrote emails, check myspace, played around on facebook, and I only kicked myself off the computer after I wrote an email to my boyfriend telling him all about my undying love for him. After that email I knew without a doubt it was time to get out and about before I got home and didn't have a boyfriend or any friends.

I got on the bus and bought a day pass for £3. This pass lets you ride any of Cardiff's buses, to anywhere they go, as many times as you want for the low low price of £3. If you use your time wisely with this pass you can tour all of Cardiff, Penarth, and Barry all for around $6.60. And that's not bad at all. It costs you £3.50 to just step inside Cardiff Castle, then you have to pay £7 for the tour. That's around $24 just to see a castle. I got to see the whole area for under $7. Barry in and of itself takes an hour to get to, just to give you an idea of the size of the area. I got to see a lot of things I didn't see last time I was here.

In the middle of my bus tour I stopped in City Centre and saw 'Horton Hears a Who' at the VUE. The VUE is the awesome movie theatre here in Cardiff. It's the one I saw 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' for the first time. It was so packed that night they showed us to our seats, because every seat in the house is numbered.

I'm still not sure how I'm getting to and from the wedding on Monday, but I'll leave that one up to God. If I'm meant to be there I'll be there. If I'm not, I won't. Tomorrow I'm off to Barry for the weekend. I'm going to be staying with Jackie, Alan, and Sian(their dog). I can't wait! They were my first host family. It always felt like a mini vacation when I stayed with them after I got my Grangetown host family. I'm possibly going to get to see Chris and V too. They are Jackie and Alan's traveling friends. They all holiday together. The four of them make up the funniest people I met over here. We always had a good time together.
Well, I'm going to wrap this up and go play on facebook till my hour's up. Feel free to comment on here or email me! Love to all!

~Stella

The Beginning

If you've ever read my blog before you know that this is where I tend to do some of my deepest thinking. I think that's mostly because I see it as a place to work through some of the things going on in my head. Yes, I have friends, but I tend to do more listening than talking. I'm a thinker. I'm a talker to, but deep stuff doesn't always find it's way into conversations. I've been doing a lot of adjusting in my life lately. I'm finally allowing myself to make mistakes. That might sound crazy to some, but when you hold yourself (unknowingly) to a perfect standard it doesn't live you much room to live your life. Step one was discovering that 98% of the time I would not even try to do something unless I could do it perfectly. You can't get anything done like that. Perfect conditions are only in your head. It took my aunt pointing out that I tend to do this, for me to really see how often I was doing it. My love life was a prime example. I didn't date anyone for just over 7 years, because I couldn't find anyone that met those perfect standards. Go figure! The first perfect man was the last and He was crucified on a cross. I've finally allowed myself to date someone, and I'm finally happy. I've discover that dealing with the American public is way to stressful for me. I'm looking forward to starting my career in costuming. I'll only have to deal with actors then. I'll possibly be going to a theatre in VA this summer. I'll miss Willamstown but it'll be another adventure for me. In March I'm jumping the big pond and going to see Robert and some other friends in Britain. I can't wait!!! Well, I guess that's all for now. I hope everyone's doing good, and ya'll find a new beginning! Love you all!

~Stella