Today

I'm not sure where to start. Because I'm not sure how I let it get this far. My life is completely out of my control. Everything I've tried to fixed has blown up in my face. Stupid flesh. God has control, I have to stop trying to take over my life. There are times when I know that I want to be a costume designer and then there are those time when I know that I want to be a missionary. I learned this summer that I can do both, but is that what God wants or is that what Stella wants. It's amazing how low the valleys I walk through these days have gotten.

It makes no since for me to feel like this. Is life really that bad? It feels like it is right now. My grandmother's are gone. I don't make enough at my job to support myself. I'm having a hard time getting another one to fix that problem. I'm forever falling for guys that can't love me back right now (how stupid can a girl get). I wait on impossible dreams. I guess that's why they are dreams. I can't stop outsiders or insiders from hurting my family members. It hurts me to see them suffer. I doubt a lot lately. The scary part is that I don't doubt God, I doubt myself and what I'm hearing. All I've done for the past two weeks is cry at the dumbest things.

I don't like crying because it shows that I'm weak. Maybe that's the lesson I'm to learn: I'm not strong. or Crying doesn't mean you're not strong. Right now I hate my life and what I've done with it.

I'm sure I'm just freaking out because my ten year class reunion is coming up next year, and according to the standard of the world and some of my family and friends is that I'm a failure. And today I feel like one. I'm 27 years old and what do I have to show for my time here? No husband, kids, real job, house, education. Nothing. I feel like a loser today, maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. Or this might take some time. Who knows? I don't. If I didn't have Jesus I would have absolutely no hope of this getting any better. I need to spend some time seeing my life thru His eyes.


~Stella