Thanksgiving

Today I'm remembering where and who I was one year ago.

One year ago I was fighting back the urge to be homesick. I was living in Wales and learning more about God than I ever have before. It was some of the roughest training that God has put me through, but it was also some of the most fun I've ever had. It was great having so many strong Christians pouring themselves into me. If it hadn't have been for them I would have never made it thru God's sharpening. The three 1/2 months I was in Wales made me see God like I've never seen Him before. I did not stay the full year like some of the students. It wasn't meant for me to stay. I know that now.

God brought me back home to share all (or as much as I could) that I had learned. I am a wiser person now than I was one year ago, that I am thankful for. In the year I have been back I have gone to SETC and interview with many theatres for a summer job. I was a semester missionary at Jacksonville State University. That was God's response to me needing a job and needing to learn a few more things. I taught a Bible Study on The Purpose Driven Life. (Thank you to Rob for that class in Wales!) I was in the JSU Drama Department's production of Crazy for You (it was a lot of fun to get to act, dance, and sing with all those young people). I got a job thru SETC at Williamstown Theatre Festival in Williamstown, Massachusetts, as the company stitcher. God really used me among people who needed to know that it was possible to be in Theatre and still be a Christian actually living a Christian life. When I returned this summer from my job in Massachusetts I was given a job at Papa John's as an insider (that's someone who only works in the store as appose to a driver who delivers pizzas.). I miss Wales and the atmoshere there everyday here in the States, despite all my efforts to be happy "at home."

And thru all that my Dad's mom, Tear, died the Tuesday after Easter. Then my Mom's mom, Grandmother, died the Monday after my birthday, just a week after my return from Massachusetts. I didn't get my financial aid for Spring or Fall 2006, so I've not been in school for a year and a half.

It is only because of God's unending grace and love that I have not gone completely crazy. I did walk thru a very deep valley there for a while, but I am now slowly coming out of it. He has shown me all that He has accomplished this past year despite my best efforts. He is in control and everyday I must remind myself of that. I have to die to myself everyday and stop trying to be in control of my own life. I'm not sure what God has planned for me but I'm starting to get real excited.

I would ask that any who read this to pray that I would lessen as God increases in me and my life. This life is not my life, but His. Everything I have is because of Him. He is the Giver and I am but the humbled receiver. I don't know where I'll end up or what I'll be doing this time next year, but I do know that God's in complete control. Who knows maybe I'll be living in another country working for Him next year. I can only hope, and hope I will do until my Savior returns! God bless you all!

~Stella

Today

I'm not sure where to start. Because I'm not sure how I let it get this far. My life is completely out of my control. Everything I've tried to fixed has blown up in my face. Stupid flesh. God has control, I have to stop trying to take over my life. There are times when I know that I want to be a costume designer and then there are those time when I know that I want to be a missionary. I learned this summer that I can do both, but is that what God wants or is that what Stella wants. It's amazing how low the valleys I walk through these days have gotten.

It makes no since for me to feel like this. Is life really that bad? It feels like it is right now. My grandmother's are gone. I don't make enough at my job to support myself. I'm having a hard time getting another one to fix that problem. I'm forever falling for guys that can't love me back right now (how stupid can a girl get). I wait on impossible dreams. I guess that's why they are dreams. I can't stop outsiders or insiders from hurting my family members. It hurts me to see them suffer. I doubt a lot lately. The scary part is that I don't doubt God, I doubt myself and what I'm hearing. All I've done for the past two weeks is cry at the dumbest things.

I don't like crying because it shows that I'm weak. Maybe that's the lesson I'm to learn: I'm not strong. or Crying doesn't mean you're not strong. Right now I hate my life and what I've done with it.

I'm sure I'm just freaking out because my ten year class reunion is coming up next year, and according to the standard of the world and some of my family and friends is that I'm a failure. And today I feel like one. I'm 27 years old and what do I have to show for my time here? No husband, kids, real job, house, education. Nothing. I feel like a loser today, maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. Or this might take some time. Who knows? I don't. If I didn't have Jesus I would have absolutely no hope of this getting any better. I need to spend some time seeing my life thru His eyes.


~Stella