I don't understand why in my life the only way I can feel loved is by touch. Why is that? Someone saying they love me is one thing, but a hug means a thousand times more and feels a thousand times better. I've heard that everyone has different love languages but most people have two or three. I'm finding that mine is just physical touch. Gifts are nice, but not necessary. Time is good, but not fulfilling enough without touch. Words can be beautifully put together, but empty without actions that match the words.
It's funny to me that physical touch would be my love language when I love God so completly and yet I've never actually touched God. Or is that my answer? I need the physical touch so much because I can't actually touch and feel God physically. I can feel God's love all around me and yet I can't hug God. There are so many times that I wish I could just wrap my arms around God's neck, but I can't yet. Is that were this deep rooted desired to be held comes from? Here on earth I can sit for hours wrapped in a loved one's arms and I get such a sense of completion it's almost crazy. I adore being held. I feel secure and loved when I'm held. I hate it when hugs are over, because that feeling goes away.
Does that mean that I'm really an insecure person? I don't think I am. I'm pretty confident these days, which is a change from the old days. There are times when I think about leaving all of this (my life) behind and going to live on the mission field. Then I think about all I'd be giving up, and that tells me I am not ready for that. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that. The desire not to walk alone in this world is to strong for me to believe that God wants me on the field full time (At least not far away, doing missions full time anyway.). For now here is to be my mission field. There is much for God to teach me and much for me to learn from Him and others that He has sent into my life.
And these are the things that run through my mind at 2am when I can't sleep. Welcome to my world. Fill free to comment on this or any other post of mine. We're here to learn from each other, so start sharing your thoughts with me.
~Stella
***Hug a friend today! You never know how much they might really need it!***
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1 comment:
hey stella! you only thought i didn't keep up with you anymore...
you know, i have never been a touchy person. my family is very touchy and used to make fun of me because i never enjoyed hugs. i still don't. at the church here, everyone hugs and honestly it freaks me out. i think it is fake. they don't know me. but that is personal for me. i'd much rather shake their hand!
now a hug from a special guy is another story. i love those!
i understand your desire to be loved by touch. it is reassuring and shows love. it makes it less of an idea and more of a reality. if that makes any sense.
now, in regards to what you wrote about giving up so much to go to the mission field. its only somewhat true. yes, you leave your friends and family and opportunities here. but you gain so much more by going too. i have a new family, along with my real family, new friends who are african who are actually more special to me than my american friends, ... and there is a closeness one has with God on the field that just isn't the same here.
i'm here and ready to be back there. soon enough.
you gotta be willing to give it all up, whether you go or stay.
i have now written you a letter instead of a comment. oops.
anyway, i enjoy reading what you write!
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