What I'm talking about here is the how not the what to my purpose. I have yet to feel like I've found what I'm supposed to be doing that's going to bring God glory. At the same time I feel as though I've wasted valuable time searching for this with no answer.
How do you bring God glory at a job you hate? How do you bring God glory when you're beginning to hate your life (or at least the choices you've made so far)? How do you bring God glory when you feel as though you're a waste of space on this planet?
This all stems from me feeling like a failure at life. I have discovered recently that I have no goals no aspirations in life. I know that that's no way to live your life, but apparently that's what I've been doing. I've just been going with the flow so to speak. I disconnected with life a few years back and in doing so I've fallen behind most people my age.
When I disconnected I tried living my life just for me. That feat failed miserably, and made me very miserable in the process. Then I threw myself into "working" for God where ever He wanted me. That had good and bad outcomes. Some thought I was being irresponsible, others thought I was doing something worth wild since it was God's work. And I guess looking back, it was far better for me to be out doing mission work than the horrid things I was doing before. And I did learn a lot about God and His unending and forgiving Love. A lot of those things I could not have learned with out living them so for those experiences I'm extremely grateful.
At times I still feel like I am so caught up in what's happening around me that I forget to engage life. When I disconnected I became the person walking around watching others live life. I would get so caught up with their lives I would forget about my own. I'm sure if you've never done this before you have no idea what I'm talking about here. It's one thing to be a "people watcher" it's another to take it to the level that I did. How ridiculous is it when you have to remind yourself to engage with life.
I entered a relationship and quickly found that we were having problems being a couple. I told myself it was because we were friends for so long before we started dating. Then I looked harder and realized that most of our problems were because I was just sitting there "watching" and waiting for something to happen instead of engaging. I still do that some days. Fortunately I'm dating a man that has a great amount of patience with me and loves me for the crazy person I am. Pray for him and us!
I've thought about becoming a writer, but I don't know what I'd write. I've started a book that's about how I want to write a book. Who knows? I think I'll title it "The Ramblings of a Crazy Person." That would be a title that really fit the content of the book so far.
Some might say that my quest for my purpose/job in this world is pointless. I can hear them now, " As long as you live your life for God, that's all that matters." Well, I think God deserves more than just some woman that goes day to day not knowing what she's meant to be doing while on this earth. He deserves the\my best. And once I find that goal I'm going to give it all that I've got! Until then, I'll keep searching.
