I Don't Know.

I don't know what is going on lately. Very thing feels to be up in the air. Job's getting out of control. Love life is DOA and confusing as always. I'm another year older with what to show for the last year I'm not sure. I have started school again, that's a plus, I might just graduate yet. I've been self-centered lately and that's not the me I want to be, but I'm afraid I've been that way for a while and nobody wanted to tell me.

I dropped a close friend off at the airport, he'll be gone for three years. I'm going to get to see him in March so I should stop crying soon. I've tried to rush people into decisions and had that blow up in my face. When push comes to shove they retreated and quickly. I hate going into the holiday season alone. It just turns into a long drawn out "you're alone" fest. Friends are great to have around you, but it's still oblivious they're just my friends and nothing more.

I've been told lately that I don't have to be so strong all the time. How do you turn that off I wonder. I find myself more and more in touch with the scarred little girl that lives within me. She causes me to face things I don't want to, and to cry about things that have been hidden away. I don't like feeling pain, but I'm in almost a constant state of it these days. The 1 year anniversary of my grandmother's death was Tuesday and it led to crying at work. SO not something I do. I don't cry in front of people unless I'm at a funeral (or watching The Family Stone with two friends that also lost their grandmother's just before watching it.).

I need God to center my life and quick. I'm use to feeling others pain, but I'm now having to deal with my bottled up pain. I guess it's a freeing thing. A word to the wise- don't ignore your pain it only makes it worse later. And to the passionate people out there - if you have all that passion bottled up that's not good either. If you want to do something - do it. Stop holding back. If you're passionate about something that's not a BAD THING.

If you can't tell I'm an all or nothing person. That stems from my passionate self. If it's worth doing, then go all out. If it's not worth going all out, then it's not worth doing. Passionate people are driven crazy by people that get all excited about something and then don't do it. Stop living in fear of making a mistake. All things work to the good of God. What else do you need to know? God's will is going to be done with or without you, your mistakes can't throw off God's plans He knew you were going to make them, so He's already worked them out.

I leave you with this thought. If you're my friend and I haven't told you lately, I love you and you mean more to me than I'll ever be able to express to you. I love you all!

~Stella