Life

So..... life. Yeah life. I just went through a very uplifting couple of days to one of the darkest days yet. This weekend I went to CEC (Collegiate Evangelism Conference). It was great! God opened my eyes a little more to things going on in Asia. It was heart breaking to hear of the persecution going on, but heart warming to hear of all the lives being changed because of the name of Jesus Christ. I really enjoyed spending time worshipping with a large group of people my age, ok, close to my age.

On the way home from Montgomery my mom met us in Sylacauga and took me to Dadeville. I had been told that I should really come see my grandmother. We call her Tear. She is the person I have looked up to my entire life. What do you do when you're told this could be the last coherent conversation with your grandmother? My daddy said,"If there's anything you want Tear to know, you better tell her now. Right now she's still in her right mind and she's willing to talk." What did I do? I choked. What do you tell your role model? Where do you start? I love you so much it hurts right now for me to make myself have this conversation with you.

All I could tell her was that I loved her. I spent all of Sunday at her bedside. I helped move her into a hospital bed that hospice brought. While the man was setting up the bed I had my heart broken. Tear look at me with such a longing my heart broke and then she said,"I wish we could pull you out of school and then you could come live with me." What am I suppose to do with that? The whole time I was in Wales and my family was telling me Tear was getting worse, I contemplated: coming home, withdrawing from school, and living with her till she passed. And now to have her ask me that very thing at a time like this I don't know what to do. I feel as though I'm a bad person either way. If I pack up and leave I'm horrible. It would mean dropping out of the musical, quitting my semester missionary job here at JSU that I just started, and leaving Valerie with no roommate. If I stay here I'm a horrible person to myself and possibly Tear. I'd be letting down the one person on this planet that I truly don't want to disappoint.

My mind just keeps saying....What if you stay at JSU and she dies? Will you ever be able to forgive yourself? I know the answer to that. NO. I'm the only one in the family right now that could feasibly drop what I'm doing and go and take care of her. And this is Tear. She's one of the few people I would and am more than willing to make that sacrifice. I know that I can't heal her or take her out of her pain, but I can be by her side and tend to her. It's what she wants, who am I to let her down? At the same time, who am I to put a lot of people in a tight spot just to appease the greatest person in my life? I hate this. God show me what I'm suppose to do! I don't know what You want me to do. I'm confused but I know You are the One that can help me. I love You!
Pray for my family and me, please.
~Stella